What is Sacred Sex and why is it so scary?
Listen, the fact is I was brought up a catholic girl. I even taught religion in a catholic school for 4 years! OMG I can hardly believe it. Sex was not discussed! Luckily for me sex was fun, but people who spoke about it openly were weird and perverted. They were overly sexual and not very polite. That was how I saw it. Do it for sure but please keep it to yourself because it makes me uncomfortable!
In fact intimacy makes many of us uncomfortable. Looking into the eyes of a stranger can bring deep panic into the hearts of many. I know this first hand as I ask many people to do it and often find it just isn’t possible. We all have our limits or boundaries around intimacy. For me, looking in to someone’s eyes is not a problem but perhaps hearing about his or her sex life… not so comfortable. For others, hugging can feel very strange, as touch with emotion can be very intense. We all have our “no ways”! Even partner yoga can freak people out. This is life and it is good to know our own and others’ limits. I’d like to share with you my journey into the world of sacred sex (SS) because it was my “no way” at one point.
When Reflections first opened its doors we were… let’s just say, BROKE! Through a strange confluence of events the people who hosted the SS round-up found us and asked if they could rent our space for the weekend. My mind said ”weirdoes”, while my pocket said “Sure, we’d love to have to have you! “.
Now sex and sexuality have always been a very healthy part of my life, but not something I ever would discuss in groups or go to lectures on. It was something you worked out on your own with your partner and maybe not so much with words even. More like a dance where you took turns leading but never discussed how the dance should or shouldn’t go. The thought of what might be taking place in the studio freaked me out and totally sent my staff into a panic, but we all need to get paid, so bowed to the pressures of economy!
I think many people feel that sex should be done but not discussed. My goodness, the easiest way to make a crowd giggle is to say the word sex!! The fact is, as adults we do have sex. Some more, some less, some alone, others in groups, most with a single partner at one time or for a lifetime… but we all do it. Because it has been kept in the shadows, or orphaned, as I like to put it, it has been allowed to gather many misconceptions and straight up perversions about what it really is. Since is was coming into to my studio in a big way I felt I needed to see what these people were really doing, scary as it might be. What I found surprised, shocked and illuminated me. Over the last two years I have gained a beautiful understanding of SS, some from these teachings and others from my own personal and deep exploration — and this is what I have learnt.
It was first important for me to understand that orgasm was just energy! Take away all the images and ideas that have been put upon it and it is the essence of creative energy. When the body has sex from a physiological point of view it is preparing to procreate, whether you are wanting to or not. It is a high spiritual energy that creates life and it is the most sacred energy we have. We are all energy — the entire planet is energy — so we can all have orgasm, but sometimes it takes practice, like getting up in a full wheel or a doing a headstand.
I found that often sex was “used” as a release, or worse as a bargaining tool or power play if you will and not the union or joining of sacred energies that it can be. I find this often with married couples. So I had to ask what about love or connection? There is no higher energy than love. I am speaking here of real love, not the love that most relationships are based on, that seems to function more on commerce than love. If you do this for me, I will love you more and if you don’t, I will withhold my love. I have come to learn that “Love” is actually god. God is not an image or person, but if we have loved purely for even one moment we have met god. God stripped of the crazy images we have put upon it is simply any moment we feel pure love.
So when we put orgasmic creative energy together with pure love we create a vortex that can literally move mountains. Think about how you feel in the first days of a great relationship. I often feel invincible! That anything is possible… all my issues fall away and I see my partner as pure source and so they see themselves and me the same way. Our reflections of each other are so strong, powerful… for good or bad.
If we nurture this energy it can grow and we can change consciousness. Anything in fact is possible. Knowing we have this ability, we can avoid what typically happens in a relationship, which is it becomes a business. The infatuation falls away and you see the void. “Hey, you you stopped making me feel good so I am going to stop giving you all that love I was just giving you…”, and so the story goes. But this is a choice. The ‘in love god space” can keep growing and this is how.
Sacred sex/love is a practice. It isn’t about immediate gratification. In SS even the physical act asks us not to come to full orgasm but to dance in the doorway of desire. Desire is where we feel most attracted. It is the deep state of eroticism that we yearn for yet we are always rushing to the finish line. If we can step back and admire our beloved and not try to know them so quickly, so completely, it can “live” forever. Yoga tells us anything we “know” or think we know is now dead. By thinking we know it we kill it, as it has no room to grow and change. By keeping the energy of learning and growing alive, the sex and relationship evolves forever and “is” the sacred space we are seeking, just perhaps in the wrong places.
If it is so easy why don’t we do it? Why do we try to know so quickly? Mostly because what is unknown causes us anxiety. We are uncomfortable with this feeling of anxiety or what I like to call free fall. So the practice for me has been to enjoy the sacredness of the ride. To find the thrill in the moments before anything is complete, whether it be a yoga pose, an orgasm or just life itself. Allowing life to linger to enjoy finding out about my beloved and leaving all things space to be unpredictable and thus opening the door to change and growth has been most satisfying. Exploring this type of union has allowed me to play joyfully in the realm of god. It is a holy place… a space where we can both be who we are — and who we are is human,imperfect and sacred.
It has been an incredible journey that has brought richness to my life. There are many amazing people who teach this concept from many different lenses: some purely physical, others as a place of healing from abuse and rejection, others as a way to understand their particular manifestation of sexuality, which might be more intense than others, less intense than others, or simply not what the mainstream might consider the norm. For me it was another way to know god. A way to understand my body and its desires; how those desires affect my mind; and how that in turns affects the world. I believe that anything we leave in the shadows can be dangerous and can lead us to act unconsciously. The spiritual walk is all about illumination. This is just another place that needs to be in the light. Bringing it there has added great beauty to my life. It has made me a much higher spiritual being than I was before. I have lifted the veil of ignorance — which is always so rewarding — and opened the door for many to come and investigate freely in my space. By investigating this for myself I have opened myself for others to come to me with questions and fears as it is clear that together, we can learn so much if we are earnestly on the path.
We are here to learn by keeping all doors open for heartfelt conversation. When we do this the world becomes a much more exciting and better place to be. The SS movement is very much a part of the Reflections community as are all practices that seek to find the truth of life.
This has been my experience with sacred sexuality. I welcome you to find yours and know that it can be different — you are welcome to share or not, but please do put it on your radar as I know that it has the ability to bring all of us to places of real love, clarity and deep beauty.